*Trigger warning: talk of suicide and suicidal ideation below

“Life sucks, and then you die.”

I don’t know who originally came up with this quote. Both the band Cerebral Fix and the band The Fools have songs with the quote in their titles, but the Internet also attributes it to Stephen King, so who the heck knows?!

I first came across it during my Twihard days. Oh yes, I was definitely obsessed with Twilight. Desktop screensavers and IM usernames obsessed. I was in Honduras when Breaking Dawn hit shelves and I made my mother pay the ridiculous airport price for it as soon as we got back to the states so I could read it during our layover.

“Life sucks, and then you die” is a quote that goes through Jacob-the-teenage-werewolf-Black’s head, and has, for whatever reason, stuck with me. In fact, there have been times over the last four years where it’s been on repeat in my concussed brain.

But it’s what Jacob thinks after the quote that has particular significance to my situation. His next though is, “Yeah, I should be so lucky.” I don’t remember the context anymore, but here’s what I think: Jacob is gifted with an abnormally long life and is pretty indestructible, save for a tight squeeze from a vamp, and the girl he loves would literally rather be with the undead and become the undead herself than be with him. So his life will suck, methinks, for a really, really, really long time.

Fictional character Jacob, despite falling in love with the wrong girl, seemed to be pretty mentally healthy. As far as I remember, he did not contemplate taking his own life to end the suckage. Unfortunately, for many of us (including me), thoughts of suicide do occur and play like seductive melodies over and over in our heads.

“Yeah, I should be so lucky. ”

My problem (or saving grace): I don’t believe in suicide.

I guess you could say it’s against my personal and spiritual belief system. I believe every human being is precious and is on the earth for a reason. And I believe only God or the universe gets to decide when it’s a person’s time to go. I have also seen what suicide does to the ones left behind and I would never ever ever do that to my family.

So I was stuck. I was stuck in the suck. So, “Yeah, I should be so lucky” to just be able to give up- to just be able to freaking get to paradise already- because if given a choice (with zero repercussions) between this never-ending physical and emotional pain, and heaven, you bet your backside I would choose heaven.

So what did I do? I cried all the water out of my body and told my parents I wanted to die. They called my therapist who gave them contacts for a psychiatrist and an IOP (individualized out-patient program) and that initiated my mental health journey.

All this was back in 2018 and since then my life has gone in and out of sucking, but the important thing is I have life. I am here! I am alive! So for some people “life sucks, and then you die,” but for me life sucks, and then I keep on living.

Love Always,

Elisa